7 posts tagged “friendship”

So the number of days between 'today' and January 15th are waning down. What's January 15th? Well it's the day I leave my home state of New Jersey for the unknown of Charlotte, North Carolina. Unknown seems to have this negative draw but for me it doesn't. Unknown in itself is a microcosm of life in its grandest sense. The product of this decision to leave college and the safety of my home state is in of itself a microcosm of my life. Today I looked at myself in the mirror and really thought about how the next three years will define me to everyone, including myself. You can either walk with the rest or rise above, I hope to do the latter. I'm a little nervous and it's only because I put a lot of pressure on the outcome of taking this risk and therefore myself but in the end, I'm going to do it. You have to spend your time alive on this earth doing the things that keep you up at night while finding a place where you can rest your head. I don't know if that saying makes sense but people I've vocalized it to say it does so I'm sticking with it.

It's been an interesting past few days. With moving on the horizon I've gotten into that mode where after I do something I say to myself, "this might be the last time I do this/see this person/walk or drive here". Growing up (and now) I thirst for unchartered roads, sights, sounds and experiences. Exploration is life turned up a few notches, just think of the amp in Spinal Tap that goes to 11, that's what exploring is like. The other night I sat at my dining room table and traced out roads I've traveled and towns I've visited on a Rand McNally pullout New Jersey map and afterwards I thought to myself that I've really done a lot here.

Tonight my friend Lily and I had some Taco Bell before spending some time at the Asbury Lanes. She left around 11 and I wound up coming back to watch the last band and have another coke. Driving back up the Parkway I listened to some old-school poppy punk songs I'd discovered off of old cds I've been finding. I rocked out to some Ace Troubleshooter and LWL before popping in a record I've never lost; the Bouncing Souls' Anchors Aweigh. This record to me is almost like a living, breathing friend. I know, that sounds insane but hear me out. I've never felt something so personal come through stereo speakers more so than Anchors Aweigh. From songs about losing your mind, your heroes, the state of your country, hurting yourself, the love of a car stereo, losing loved best friends and girlfriends and chasing your dreams. This record tells the story of the first 21.5 years of my life. No song hits home for me more than "I'm From There", an ode to a friend who grew distant right in front of your eyes and how much that song reminds me of an old friend who I really grew up with. This friend has been on my mind a lot because he's getting married across the pond and unfortunately I'm not going to be able to be there. On my drive up to Bayonne tonight I thought about the things we did and the things we believed in and how even years after he left and those times ended, I still carry them on as if there's someone sitting in my passenger seat. I still go to the shows, I can still drive all through the night with nowhere in mind, I still think nonstop about life, about music, about people, about myself. I still blast many of the same songs and yell along in my same nasally, trebley voice while driving some of the same roads we made countless laughs and inside jokes on. I still carry on that part of my life because I found something that touched my soul, that tapped into my most innate desire for nonstop fun, loyalty and life through a brotherhood my parents never gave me. I miss that feeling we shared and the times we had but that me still wakes up every single day trying to take on the world and whatever path the road takes me.

"We are two brothers forever through the dark and night.
 We had our fights against the world, against each other.
 Time has opened my heart I don't want to hold on to that past,
 I don't want to live in isolation anymore.
 There's nothing left to do but to kiss that life goodbye,
 Goodbye".

I wish I had the ability to show some people how grateful I am for them. It's the way that good friends always come through for each other, and you might not realize it at that immediate moment but hours or months later you realize you've taken away a lesson. I wish for the health and happiness of my friends and that I was able to contribute an ounce of myself to their lives in a positive sense. Friendship through these years are really difficult sometimes. And if you deny it you're wrong, you know it. I just think that you can try out all of the sides of yourself that you want in your late teen years into your early twenties. Some people change, be it for better or for worse, temporarily, momentarily or permanently. I guess you just have to trust that the core of a person never changes and if they're important to you, than in one way or another that that good will always find a way to shine through.

There's other things I'd like for Christmas such as an uncut version of Garden State. And yes I know, that's twice in two days I've mentioned that movie but I've watched it twice this week and today was the first time I watched the deleted scenes. One scene I wish had made the movie is where Andrew and his father are talking in the room where Andrew's mother drowned. It's all dialogue but the acting is amazing, so much so I stopped moving and was just hanging on the next line. If you have the movie on DVD, watch it with the commentary on and then off. Does anyone have any movie suggestions? Among other things one thing I want to do in 2007 is see history's great movies. Something I never really had a huge interest in and any girl I've ever dated can attest that it took a lot to get me to go see a movie.

I'm a little under the weather and really don't feel like working tonight. The more I do my job the more I see the nonrelevance of it to anything I want to do outside of the money aspect.

Yesterday a board in Brooklyn approved the Atlantic Yards development of a new Nets' arena. Complete with an arena, office towers and apartments by 2009. Apartments, eh? It'll be the first professional sports team in Brooklyn since the Dodgers left in 1957. I guess I'm stoked about it. If you go to Continental Airlines one night and go to The Garden the next the difference is immeasurable. I'm excited about the idea of possibly having a home in Brooklyn at some point in my life. I guess I just salivate at the thought of living somewhere so alive. As for today, working in the rain, brilliant...

Today was a good day. Well then again so was last night, especially because of my friend Michelle. Michelle is a friend I met at a Souls' show last November in New York City, she's a student-teaching, punk rocking, hockey playing Long Island girl. We have what we've determined to call "B.F.F.P." which stands for "Best Friends Forever Potential". She's a cool person. Well, we wound up talking for like an hour last night on the phone and she has an uncanny ability to make me laugh about the most random shit. She had to go through something that absolutely no one deserves, she lost one of her friends in a car accident way before his time. She talked about him and he must have been one hell of a good guy because this past weekend Michelle and her friends through the second annual Jared Fest on Long Island, using the money earned towards a music scholarship for a student on the Island. It blew me away, it just made me think that God-forbid anything like that happened to me or someone I knew, I just want to be remembered the way that she remembers him. It makes you think about life and it's unpredictability. Think about Andrew Larchman in Garden State: "it's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic". Jared passed before his time but Michelle told me about his love of music and how many peoples' lives he has effected both through that and through his friendship. Living life in music I believe is one way of living life to it's absolute fullest, and I think that's what we all want, right? We hung up around 5 and I fell asleep in my bed.

I woke up today and felt like crap and along with Charlie Meluso decided that the best way to treat a sick body is to stuff it with some extremely unhealthy food. We headed off to Checkers in Jersey City where I had my usual #1 Nascar Combo which is a large fries and coke with a triple cheeseburger with a ton of toppings and condiments along with a chili-cheeseburger. We ate in Lincoln Park while listening to Jay-Z and felt tough.

On the drive back to the house my ticket rep Suzanne called me and asked if I wanted a sweet seat for the game tonight so I obliged naturally. I was pretty stoked for the game tonight and it lived up to the hype. If you haven't seen Lebron James play in person you are missing something. Even watching him in shooting practice you can just see the talent. During shoot around Mikki Moore of the Nets was nice enough to sign about 100 autographs for absolutely everyone that asked for one, including me. Really nice guy too and his hair is cool as hell. After warmups Chubby Checker sang the National Anthem and they tipped off the game. In the first minute Larry Hughes tossed up a sick ollie-oop to Lebron which will definitely be on Sportscenter tonight. Four minutes into the first quarter who walks in the arena but Jay-Z and Beyonce,who drew a solid ovation from our section. Ok, another thing, if you haven't seen Beyonce Knowles in person than you are really missing something. I looked at Jay-Z and for the first time since I met Mark Hoppus and Tom Delonge my freshman year of high school, I was actually star-shocked. I was just thinking "damn, that's fucking Jay, H to the OV, he used to move snowflakes by the O. Z.". He sat courtside and it was awesome to see how these huge NBA stars would walk over and need to shake his hand. During three straight foul shots in the third him, Vince and Lebron were just talking...imagine their combined wealth. The game was amazing, it went back and forth. In the second quarter Ciara and Missy Elliot walked in and it suddenly felt like the Source awards, well what I imagine the Source awards would be like. Totally awesome. I left out that the NBA presented Jason Kidd with a plaque and artwork before tipoff to recognize him moving into third place on the all-time NBA triple-double list and that was awesome to see. I guess it's so cool to me because I see these players in person more than I see most of my friends. These games have been so much fun, amazing investment...

"It's good for your soul to invest in something you can't control".

The game came down to the final second as Lebron in the fourth was almost unstoppable but not enough to topple huge performances by the entire Net team. Every player got involved, especially the bench. At that game I felt like I really was at the place to be, as really childish as that might sound it was so much of a show tonight. It was the best game I've been to thus far, in any sport. Thank you Suzanne.

Afterwards I met up with Liz and Nora at the diner and we drank coffee and ate french fries which was...interesting.

I hate going to sleep knowing that I have to work the next day. It makes me want to stay up and write forever while listening to the new Bloc Party record because it is really good and it's setting the tone right now. I'm going to wrap it up and watch a movie because I'm getting started early on resolutions.

I realized that I left someone out when I answered those questions. Besides meeting Karolina, Matt Howard turned in to a tremendous friend. Our late-night European techno parking lot dance offs shall never be forgotten. I hope things work out for Racing Kites. I know all off those guys so well and they're immensely talented musicians and songwriters. I'm not just saying that because they're my friends, but because I've seen it. Well one of my best friends plays guitar in that band, his name is Dan. Dan is the best musician I've worked with, be it at a show, in the studio, rehearsing, anything. Dan would talk and think music non-stop. What blew my mind about him at first was that because of our work schedules we used to practice at Jam Room in Howell at all times of the night, sometimes practicing solid from 1 - 3 a.m. or 2 - 4 a.m., all the time. We all had jobs and this was how we fit the band in at the time. We would all be absolutely exhausted after working and then going straight to practice. Well, as I imagine most bands do we would record our full practices on cassette so we can just hear things we didn't hear while playing. Even after working for ten, eleven or twelve hours and then practicing until 3 or 4 in the morning, the first thing Dan would want to do in the car on the way back to his house was break down absolutely every part in every song we'd played that night. It was Dan's dedication and talent that made me, and I'd been committed to playing music my whole life, second guess what I was doing with myself. The reason this is on my mind is because Dan is thinking about parting ways with the band, and I think that it's a big mistake. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he was put on this earth to play music, and between the talent he has along with what I know the Matts, Alex and Rick have they are a 110% complete band. Ofcourse I'm typing this not knowing the full story about what is going on, it's just hard knowing that someone could be making a huge mistake and not having the ammunition to help.

I've been bumping out Rhett Miller this week. It's December and today it was 67 degrees here in New Jersey, crazy! However that absolute downpour dropped the temperature like 20 degrees. Work was long for a five hour shift, I got soaked. We picked secret Santas for our Christmas party, I knew the person I'd get because that's how life works. Oi! Well tonight was Friday and even though it was kind of lame I enjoyed it. Nora and I went to the diner where we sat with the cute waitress who makes me nervous. We had to use codewords for when she would be coming...

"Ketchup"

"Clocks"

Until we started playing that game where you just name as many, for example, words that start with 'b'. That was fun, everyone thinks Nora and I are dating which is great. The common theme of the past few days has been people thinking I'm dating one of my friends. Well, I couldn't be more shocked by one person's behavior. I thought you were a good friend, you're just a fucking piece of shit. The thing that bums me out is that I know that you don't want to be the way you are, but you are too much of a coward to just believe anyone except the worst in yourself. You are weak and now everybody sees it. Congratulations, you can start counting the friendships you've ruined on your toes, too. Your social life is a house on fire. And I've been let down by friends before, but not with something like this. Not by trying to go after one of my friends of nine years, fuck you, kid.

After much discussion about the aforementioned two things, Nora and I left the diner and met up with Lauren Delonge and Joe Deceglia at The Middle. And yes, I've made it proper because it deserves it. Nora wound up going home around 1:35 and Deceglia followed suit. I drove around for a while and was actually pretty bummed, I kept waiting for that diner parking lot to be empty so maybe, just maybe I'd work up the guts, but it never was. I called Spanish to see what he was doing. He was driving into The City with a few people, we talked for a bit and got cut off by the Holland Tunnel. I drove around longer, I went to get gas on 440. I had the only energy but nowhere to use it. Nervous anticipation. Proving something to yourself sucks, especially when you do it infront of people you see that much but yet you really don't know anything about them. Life is weird sometimes. What really made my entire night was a call from Matt Howard at like 2:35...

"Hello"

"Yo dude, what's up?"

"Not much, driving around my town, not much going on what are you doing?"

"Driving to Tennessee"

Matt was up with Alex driving from Louisiana to Tennessee where they were playing a big show infront of their manager as well as guys from Fueled By Ramen. Their tour is going really good. They're coming back to New Jersey on December 9th to play a show in South Plainfield which I'll probably attend instead of the Nets/Celtics that night. The next day is my birthday holla! But Matt's phone call made and saved my entire night. Be safe, my niggas. I can't wait to see you all. And stay out of biker bars...

Well, that's that. Here I am at 3:43 in the morning. I'm actually tired and may be able to fall asleep if I lay down but I can't stand knowing that I'm missing out on something and I know I have another hour or so before I might be able to lay my head down and be alright. And plus, why go to sleep when I'm downloading the season premiere of Scrubs that I missed on Thursday because of freaking work.

On the school front I'm dropping off a tuition deposit to NJCU on Monday morning. I'm still waiting on Brooklyn College and City College of New York. It's either NJCU or BC because I'm not going to want to shoot all the way up to 138th street everyday. That is nonsense. The BC campus is beautiful but it's in Bed-Stuy which has some seriously rough neighborhoods. But, I don't know. I heard Michael Kay today drop an interesting point about race and division between races. It came up because Larry Johnson, a running back for the Kansas City Chiefs said he would only play for a black coach. Now imagine if a white player said that, he'd be run out of the league. It's a double-standard. And a caller argued that blacks and minorities had lee-way with dialogue because of the years of oppression that they suffered at the hands of white people. Which is understandable from my perspective. But Kay bought up a great comeback, he said that it was 2006 and that there was no need to judge people by their race. He said about how when he applied to a college years back, that he couldn't have any scholarships because there were no white scholarship money left. Affirmative action is something I haven't been on either side of, not literally nor with an opinion. I guess I understand both arguments enough to where I don't feel strong enough on either side to throw my own thoughts out there. Kay bought up the Jews and how they had been treated, and that blacks weren't the only people that had been discriminated against. From his next point it made me change the way I think a bit. He said the only thing he would ever judge people on right off the bat is where they came from. As in you mean to tell me that a white kid that came up in the south Bronx had it any easier growing up than anyone that was black or say, Latino? It's a great point and it was great radio. I'll always remember it because race is something I'm really loose with. As in if we can't make respect and/or even make fun of each other and ourselves because of our skin color or heritage than what the hell is wrong with us? And I know that there were never reperations paid for slavery or the holocaust but if we bring up the way our races or origins were wronged over the last however many thousands of years than we are always going to hate each other. It's 2006, and at some point we are all going to have to move on and live the way we all know we should, at least in the way we treat each other in respect to our makings. As Paul McCartney said..,

"Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony, side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don't we?"

I hope something so small as reading this can shift anyone's mindset or thinking just a little...

Well, I don't know what's on my plate for tomorrow. I need to write Sarah in Chicago, make sure she hasn't been entombed by the insane amount of snow the city got these past three days. My Scrubs has finished dowloading from iTunes...I'm stoked to talk about it with Michelle. And I'm going to point out that Zach Braff is a Jersey kid and she will scowl in a way that says "damn you, New Jersey Sean". I miss you girl! Hope all is well on The Island. It's 4:25 now...and I think I'm really going to do this...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! It's almost three a.m. so I'm gonna try and buzz through what's on my mind. First off, Thanksgiving is a great holiday. I have no complaints whatsoever. It's great to see friends and family that you don't see often and this is an awesome excuse for that occuring. I'm grateful so much to the friends I've had great times with since this time last year. I mean, some of us have had our problems but I'm just going to forget the bad times. So, as close as I can to that album thank you musicians always give, here are mine without some last names because I'd probably miss a few...

Christine Sokolowski, Karolina, Sal, Dan Boyce, Matt Howard, Alex Bussey, Rob Schumann, Zach Lynch, Theresa Cooper, Amanda Martin, Michelle Lanzarone, Ashley Malok, Kate from VA, Dave Cortese, Matt Szymczak, John Rosario, Nora Siaba, Anthony and Timmy Yurachek, Bill Quinn, Bobby Baran, Hector Castillo, Jackie Ziobro, Rob Perry, Jamie Quinn, Jenah and Lauren from RU, Jessica Delbert, Joe Delesky, Joe DeCeglia, Joey Chrzo, Liz Fleming, Maggie Kowalski, Vanessa Velez, Melody, "Hard" Nard, Paula Lucero, Sarah Royal, Sean Tyler, Spanish Rob Velasquez, Alex Ziabko, Alissa Stampolous, Gary Parlaitti, Bobby Bedara, Josh Krubner, Hal Grossman, Krista, Lindsey from CA, Allison Arbiblit, Marissa, Karl Odenwalder, Mike Reeves, Jeff Brown, Mags, Ray Pona and his girlfriend Maria, Kristin Servideo, Charlie Meluso, Kristy Bonner and her basement crew, Frank Ajosa, RK Rick and there's a few more of you guys that I've momentarily forgotten at 3:46 a.m.. Thanks for everything and the times we have together I can't tell you how much I appreciate, especially these past nine months being they weren't easy but you guys got me through them and I love you for it.

Thanksgiving is also a time to remember special things in life that you had to let go. Here' I'm obviously talking about "The Whip" which I tabbed "The Night Train", however it shall forever be remembered as "The Whip". So many good times in that car, I'm sad to see her go. She was a true soldier and I loved her so much. I guess everyone remembers their first car, I know I will. Rest In Peace, whereever you may be, I hope you're happy.

I hope everyone's holiday is awesome, I'm done...

"The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come" - Abraham Lincoln

Ready? Here it goes. If you know me at all you know that this year has been rough for me. I went through a lot of shit and had a lot thrown in my face (not literally but it's still only November). Last night my uncle and I went shopping for clothes and stuff and between dinner and then the drive home we had an awesome conversation. It's been so hard to let someone in. And I admit I'm emotionally detatched and guarded, there's no doubt. It was just good hearing things like "you're gonna be alright" because I don't care who you are, when you need someone you need someone. He told me something that when I heard it I knew it would stick with me. He said "look, in your life over years you'll be able to count your absolute true one hundred percent-behind-you friends on one hand". So it got me thinking and he's right. Time will tell. I learned these last sixteen months that sometimes people just change or grow apart or all of a sudden they can't co-exist. People may think I'm crazy for absolutely dying to get away from this area with every ounce of strength I posses but I wonder if it rips anyone else apart when everywhere they look they are reminded of someone. Of something, that "thing" for me was pretty much better days. When things were simpler and before histories became seeded with negative connotations. When I could talk about the brother I never had who dug the same clothes, music, scene and locales that I did. Someone who I learned a lot of things about living from. About the eternal best friend who was stood shoulder to shoulder with me since we were literally five feet tall. About the girl I met inexplicably when I was ritually hanging about with the bandmates I loved to death. It's a mindfuck when it's all gone, isn't it? The thing that bugs me is watching how things changed, especially with the girl. I'm just going to leave that alone for however long. I hope she knows that if she's ever down and out I'll always be there for her. As I will for any of my friends. I guess I just wish things would be different, and I have no outlet other than writing it down here.

I want to say that Matt Howard is the man, and Racing Kites is still my favorite band and I hope they have the most amazing tour ever. On that note, I'm calling it a night.